Handing the Heartbreak 🖤

He leaves you for a younger woman who still has gravity on her side and is possibly using your Netflix account.

Deep breath.

This blog contains explicit language.

Shock & Betrayal

Here’s the thing: everything was completely normal, or so I thought. I had no idea what was coming. I guess that was part of the problem… What was so confusing for me (and several others) was, if you had asked anyone on the outside, we were happy. He seemingly adored me. 

The morning he left was like any other morning. I made coffee in the morning, dropped my daughter at school, and came back home to check emails and get some work done. I had a break in the middle of the day, so he and I went to a grocery store to pick up a few things. We always had fun when we were out; cracking jokes, playing with displays, trying every sample no matter what it was. This time was no different. He even picked out a bouquet for the dining room when I made a comment about wanting flowers. We paid, drove home, unloaded the car, and I got back on my laptop. I was working in my office when I heard, “what the fu–” and something slammed against the stainless steel kitchen sink. I went to investigate. He was fuming. He made several comments about my irresponsible, ungrateful daughter not doing the dishes. I mentioned speaking with her about handling chores, and then the argument and the energy in the room shifted. I knew what was coming, this was his usual behavior when we had a disagreement. So I let him talk his shit. He unloaded every complaint he could think of about his “difficult” existence in the house. I felt like he was picking a fight with me at this point, especially since we’d had a great morning. I listened as he berated me, my parenting, my attitude, my being “too much”. I could feel my face getting hot, and then he made a scathing remark about my daughter that was way too far over the line. The venom in my tongue had become too difficult to hold back. Did I say things I shouldn’t have? Absolutely. The argument continued to escalate and at one point he put his hand out, as if to shake like we were concluding a business meeting (and women are dramatic???). I was confused, but put my hand out to meet his. He shook my hand hard and then went to our closet and started throwing his clothes in boxes. He had done this a couple times before, so I went to my office to get my laptop and continued to work in the kitchen. I also slid $100 in $20s into his wallet just in case. He went back and forth taking his belongings to his car, and when he was done he threw the house key and my credit card on the counter in front of me and walked out. I locked the door and finished my workday. I figured he’d be gone for a few days, as he had done previously, and he’d be back.

But he didn’t come back. For three months I cried and grieved for my marriage. I analyzed everything that I had done wrong. I blamed myself for everything. I carried that pain with me everywhere I went. I didn’t leave my house and I fell apart. And all of that was before I had concrete evidence about the girlfriend…

Ego Hit

I’ve done a lot of reflecting on the events throughout my marriage, and I didn’t realize until fairly recently that the entire decade was a facade. I fell in love with the idea of the man. He is an expert at what I’ve learned is called Lovebombing and Breadcrumbing. Turns out, I’m a prime candidate for this method of establishing attachment. I’ve got abandonment issues. I grew up faster than I should have. I’ve been taking care of people for most of my life. I’m used to serving in relationships, to my own detriment, because I felt like it was a requirement. Everything was transactional to me. Yikes, what a mess.  But back then, I thought it was real. I thought he truly loved me. I thought I truly loved him. I thought we had a good relationship; we went through a lot together, built a lot together, and blended our families together.

And holy shit, the ego hit was real. I was cast aside. Abandoned again. The girlfriend was significantly younger than me, but that wasn’t what bothered me so much. What bothered me the most was the fact that I gave everything I had to my husband and I trusted him even when I KNEW something wasn’t right. I’d ask questions, provide evidence to support my claims, and he’d tell me I was overthinking and acting crazy. I started to question my own instincts, I lost trust in myself, and I allowed it to perpetuate. He had been cheating for who knows how long, with who knows how many people because he’s the kind of person that needs more attention than one person can supply. I felt SO stupid, even more so because I didn't trust myself or my instincts.  

Age Comparisons & Societal Bullshit

Show of hands, how many of us have been discarded for someone younger? It’s common enough to be the premise for some great movies (shout out First Wives Club). The pressure to “keep” your partner is intense for some of us of a certain age. I felt like it was my responsibility to keep him happy, maintain his attention, be fun to look at- but not too much, because then I was attracting attention. “You know how you hoes are” was/is one of his catch phrases that he says “jokingly” though it clearly isn’t a joke to him. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a doormat. I pushed back plenty and I made comments to check his misogyny, particularly when he would say something harsh to one of the kids or someone he worked with. This was my being “too much” (eyeroll).

The subtle and occasionally overt pressure to compete with younger women so you won’t be replaced is very real. Pitting women against each other is a common theme in the media and shapes our culture. Beauty + Youth = Value in society for women, so the thought of losing your partner’s interest or fading away as you age is scary. I’ve never heard of a woman referred to as a “silver fox”, but we call men that shit all the time. What about when people find out you’re not together anymore? This is a topic for another blog, FOR SURE. Society places the responsibility of holding the relationship together on women even when it isn’t healthy and despite whether or not she is at “fault” for the split. Marriage is seen as a status symbol and the loss comes with “you poor thing” looks from others that contribute to our feelings of failure. 

Shifting the Focus

So what helped me shift the focus from feeling worthless to relieved? Honestly, quality time with my kids and my dogs, yoga, and baking. I needed to spend time unpacking my thoughts and feelings. I needed to process the why behind it all. I needed to rediscover and trust myself again. Luckily for me I have two close friends who let me vent, but also asked me questions and helped me to process what I was feeling without spiraling. You know you’ve got a ride-or-die when she shows up despite your resistance, orders in, and suggests you watch The Barbie Movie and cry. The other one listened to the same rant over and over again for those three months while I laid in a puddle of my own tears, angry and disgusted with myself.

If you’re like me, it’s necessary to shift the focus from being of service and/or something that your partner will possess. I had to cut my beliefs and thoughts apart and analyze what would make me happy. I had to look in the mirror at all the things I thought were ugly and learn to love and value myself instead of placing my value in what my husband thought of me. Early in my grief, my ride-or-die made a profound statement to me that helped. She said I was in the relationship I thought I deserved. Damn. I had never thought about it like that. I took that statement and ran with it as I worked my way through healing. It helped me to understand that I was unhappy long before he left me. I was so worried about the loss that I hadn’t bothered to consider my own feelings.

Now What?

If you’ve read this far, I hope it’s been somewhat helpful or it’s at least given you something to think about. I’ll leave you with a couple final thoughts on moving forward.  I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and ideas. 

Ladies, let’s stop tearing each other down. Like I said before, the more I thought about my situation, the more I realized that the other woman was not what hurt the most. Don’t get it twisted, she knew he was married, she ran around with him behind my back, so she’s a series-of-words-and-phrases-I-strung-together-while-I-was-angry-that-will-make-an-appearance-in-a-future-blog, but in the grand scheme of things she did me a favor (petty, but 100% fact). Building community with other women, regardless of age, is beneficial. Those of us who are seasoned have knowledge to share and some incredible stories to tell, but the younger women have fresh perspectives and the ability to teach us too.

Work on YOU. Try new things, travel if you can, do things for yourself that make you happy. Seek therapy or talk with family/friends whom you trust to help you process what you are feeling so you can put it down and learn from the experience. I became more focused on creative endeavors and caring for other living things (volunteer work, plants, bees, birds, and my very spoiled dogs), and it helped me a lot. The great thing about personal growth is that you start wherever you are and keep moving forward, understanding that setbacks happen and that’s okay. Every day is another opportunity for growth.

Reclaim your narrative.

Redefine beauty, happiness, and fulfillment on your own terms.

Your worth isn’t reduced by who he chose–it’s revealed by who you become.